Ups and Downs
Alex is five months old. Five and a half months, really. It's so hard to believe that this little guy who is sitting up so straight and eating peas is the same tiny boy we brought home in February. Wow.
He is a happy baby, and if he does cry, it's for a reason. He likes his bottles and he is getting to like the solid foods. He's become more tolerant of the car seat but the high chair is still traumatic for him. He weighs about 18 pounds now, I think. He drools constantly and has a cackle rather than a giggle. He sleeps great at night but thinks 30 minutes is a nap. I sometimes put him down to sleep five times a day.
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He has a really big head. It's in the 95th percentile. It wasn't like that when he was born, it first showed up at the four month appointment. I checked with Dr. Google and went back in at five months (even though we didn't have a regularly scheduled well visit) to have them check it again. It had stayed in the same curve (95%) so the doctor said it probably just meant he was going to have a big head. She said if it jumped out of this curve at six months they would send him for a CAT scan.
I know there are a lot of things a big head can be a marker for, including autism. I keep reminding myself that I have a big head, too, so he probably just got it from me. It's really hard not to worry, though.
I also worry a lot about the future. I think about the families I know who have lost a child at any age (sadly, I know several) and I wonder what on earth I would do. I can't seem to stop these morbid fears. I even went back to my therapist to try to talk about them, but I had Alex with me, and I couldn't talk about any of it in front of him. I'm not sure what I'll do, because at the moment I don't have any child care so it is tough to go to therapy without him. I'm thinking about just going to my primary care doctor and asking to go back on anti-depressants. I am definitely feeling more anxious than I think is normal.
I think it's more related to my miscarriage history than to postpartum causes. Because I'm not depressed, I feel great other than having these anxious thoughts. Unfortunately, they are never far from my mind.
But the best medicine is playing with this little guy. He loves to play, and I love to play with him. Cuddling him, making him laugh, these are the things that take my mind off of dark thoughts. But I don't want to be thinking dark things like that at all, you know?
*
In other news, I've started checking out child care options. I don't want to go back to work, I don't want to leave him with anyone else, but the fact of the matter is we need the money. I hoped we could live on one income, but financially it's not really feasible right now, for several reasons. We live in an expensive state, so the taxes are high even though our house is small and somewhat affordable. We are pretty frugal, and we've made about as many cuts as we can, but we lost the larger income of the two.
So I am planning to go back to work about 20 hours a week starting in September. Alex will go to daycare two days a week, and I'll work in the evenings when my husband is home the rest of the time. I've found a center I'm comfortable with, and even though I hate to leave him, I actually think he might be happy spending time there. He loves other babies, and when we visited he enjoyed playing with the toys and interacting with all the people. So I'm hoping it won't be traumatic for him. I know it will be for me, although I still intend to be with him more than I'm not.
Well, I've had almost six months home with him, and that's pretty good considering the lack of support for such things here in the US.
He is a happy baby, and if he does cry, it's for a reason. He likes his bottles and he is getting to like the solid foods. He's become more tolerant of the car seat but the high chair is still traumatic for him. He weighs about 18 pounds now, I think. He drools constantly and has a cackle rather than a giggle. He sleeps great at night but thinks 30 minutes is a nap. I sometimes put him down to sleep five times a day.
*
He has a really big head. It's in the 95th percentile. It wasn't like that when he was born, it first showed up at the four month appointment. I checked with Dr. Google and went back in at five months (even though we didn't have a regularly scheduled well visit) to have them check it again. It had stayed in the same curve (95%) so the doctor said it probably just meant he was going to have a big head. She said if it jumped out of this curve at six months they would send him for a CAT scan.
I know there are a lot of things a big head can be a marker for, including autism. I keep reminding myself that I have a big head, too, so he probably just got it from me. It's really hard not to worry, though.
I also worry a lot about the future. I think about the families I know who have lost a child at any age (sadly, I know several) and I wonder what on earth I would do. I can't seem to stop these morbid fears. I even went back to my therapist to try to talk about them, but I had Alex with me, and I couldn't talk about any of it in front of him. I'm not sure what I'll do, because at the moment I don't have any child care so it is tough to go to therapy without him. I'm thinking about just going to my primary care doctor and asking to go back on anti-depressants. I am definitely feeling more anxious than I think is normal.
I think it's more related to my miscarriage history than to postpartum causes. Because I'm not depressed, I feel great other than having these anxious thoughts. Unfortunately, they are never far from my mind.
But the best medicine is playing with this little guy. He loves to play, and I love to play with him. Cuddling him, making him laugh, these are the things that take my mind off of dark thoughts. But I don't want to be thinking dark things like that at all, you know?
*
In other news, I've started checking out child care options. I don't want to go back to work, I don't want to leave him with anyone else, but the fact of the matter is we need the money. I hoped we could live on one income, but financially it's not really feasible right now, for several reasons. We live in an expensive state, so the taxes are high even though our house is small and somewhat affordable. We are pretty frugal, and we've made about as many cuts as we can, but we lost the larger income of the two.
So I am planning to go back to work about 20 hours a week starting in September. Alex will go to daycare two days a week, and I'll work in the evenings when my husband is home the rest of the time. I've found a center I'm comfortable with, and even though I hate to leave him, I actually think he might be happy spending time there. He loves other babies, and when we visited he enjoyed playing with the toys and interacting with all the people. So I'm hoping it won't be traumatic for him. I know it will be for me, although I still intend to be with him more than I'm not.
Well, I've had almost six months home with him, and that's pretty good considering the lack of support for such things here in the US.
4 Comments:
Hi, Susie. It's great to read a post from you. I can't believe Alex already is five months old. Time flies, but from his photo I can see that he is as cute as ever.
I'm sorry that you are feeling anxious. I agree with you that it's likely due to your miscarriage history. I have often wondered whether my miscarriage history will make me more of an overly protective parent; I suspect it might. It's understandable that recurrent miscarriers might be more prone to worry about their children, but that certainly doesn't make the worrying any easier. I hope that you will be able to find some freedom from the anxiety.
By
Anonymous, at 1:15 AM
I know it's hard not to worry. I worried even before I had something to worry about. I too wonder about what I would do if something were to happen to Julia. How on earth do people survive the loss of a child? I hear you on the anxiety, believe me. I'm sure it has to do with your history but it's also a byproduct of loving someone so much, I think. Realizing how vulnerable that love leaves us.
Alex sounds like such a delight. And yes, he'll probably love daycare! It will be way harder for you.
By
Anonymous, at 7:44 AM
Hey! I have a friend that used to Nanny in your state - if you want me to check with her and see if she knows anyone, let me know.
I was just talking to a friend the other day about what if something happened - can't even think on it - too hard.
By
Anonymous, at 9:32 AM
What a great site »
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Anonymous, at 3:07 AM
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