Friday Night Restlessness
My next ultrasound is Monday. I am gearing up for it with vague DBTs and "Am I still pregnant?" musings. Then I remember how cranky and perpetually annoyed I am right now, and I just kind of laugh. People are really pissing me off. I sure hope it means everything is going okay.
I gave the doppler nine minutes today but still couldn't pick up the heartbeat. Lisa over at Starting from Scratch heard hers yesterday, so I was hoping I would too (I am a couple of days ahead of her, I think). Oh well. Maybe it'll reveal itself during the next week. At least next Friday I have an OB appointment; if I still can't find the heartbeat myself, maybe I'll take the doppler along and get them to show me how to use it. I am sure I won't be the first crazy woman to walk into their office with her own (rented) doppler.
Yesterday I told one of my close friends that I'm pregnant, over IM. She was beside herself with glee, and did the IM equivalent of jumping up and down screaming for about five minutes. I feel ungrateful for saying this, but that response really stresses me out. This is why I'm dreading telling my MIL, who also tends to be over-exuberant. The pressure not to disappoint becomes so much greater when other people get so out-of-control exited. And letting other people know just opens up the possiblity of being pitied later.
I much prefer my mom's attitude of quiet joy at every piece of good news I share. Somehow, I think she understands better than anyone how terrifying all of this is. I don't know how -- she certainly never had any problems with pregnancy (either getting or staying pregnant). But she never puts too much pressure on me about it and I really appreciate that.
My husband understands my misgivings about telling. But at the same time, it is becoming very inconvenient for people not to know. They are always asking us when we're coming home for a visit, and we keep putting them off, but we can't explain that I'll only be able to travel for a few months this fall. This is why we've decided that if everything is okay after the next ultrasound, we will share the news with our families. The thought of so many people knowing makes me even more nervous, but I guess it'll be time.
I gave the doppler nine minutes today but still couldn't pick up the heartbeat. Lisa over at Starting from Scratch heard hers yesterday, so I was hoping I would too (I am a couple of days ahead of her, I think). Oh well. Maybe it'll reveal itself during the next week. At least next Friday I have an OB appointment; if I still can't find the heartbeat myself, maybe I'll take the doppler along and get them to show me how to use it. I am sure I won't be the first crazy woman to walk into their office with her own (rented) doppler.
Yesterday I told one of my close friends that I'm pregnant, over IM. She was beside herself with glee, and did the IM equivalent of jumping up and down screaming for about five minutes. I feel ungrateful for saying this, but that response really stresses me out. This is why I'm dreading telling my MIL, who also tends to be over-exuberant. The pressure not to disappoint becomes so much greater when other people get so out-of-control exited. And letting other people know just opens up the possiblity of being pitied later.
I much prefer my mom's attitude of quiet joy at every piece of good news I share. Somehow, I think she understands better than anyone how terrifying all of this is. I don't know how -- she certainly never had any problems with pregnancy (either getting or staying pregnant). But she never puts too much pressure on me about it and I really appreciate that.
My husband understands my misgivings about telling. But at the same time, it is becoming very inconvenient for people not to know. They are always asking us when we're coming home for a visit, and we keep putting them off, but we can't explain that I'll only be able to travel for a few months this fall. This is why we've decided that if everything is okay after the next ultrasound, we will share the news with our families. The thought of so many people knowing makes me even more nervous, but I guess it'll be time.
6 Comments:
I understand the fear of letting people know you are pregnant because you're afraid of disappointing them. It's difficult but you are certainly at the point when it's time to start telling. I hope have a wonderful appointment on Monday. Don't worry about the doppler...there are so many variables on being able to hear the heartbeat. Once you are shown how to use it and the baby gets a little bigger it will become much easier. Thinking of you this weekend!
By
Anonymous, at 9:42 AM
I think we all understand where you're coming from. I hope that it gets easier for you as the pregnancy progresses to let other's joy wash over you - you deserve all the exuberance. Wishing you the perfect doc appt. on Monday.
By
Mellie, at 11:41 AM
Drink tons and tons of water, until your bladder is about to burst, then try the doppler. A full bladder pushes the uterus up and makes the wee ones easier to hear.
I hope your appointment goes perfectly on Monday!
By
WonderMama, at 4:37 PM
tricky, tricky. I understand your hesitations.
Hope your ultrasound goes well on Monday. I have to say I'm nervous about telling anyone before the screening - like it's one more hurdle to get over. I haven't gotten any screamers yet but after Monday....
have a luverly weekend
By
moi, at 5:42 PM
Best of luck at the ultrasound, though I hardly think you'll need it! I wouldn't worry too much about the doppler - at 33 weeks even the nurses sometimes had a rough time finding Simon's heartbeat...your uterus is huge compared to that tiny little heart!
I so understand not wanting to tell people. As time goes on and you start showing you'll no longer have a choice and will get used to the exuberance and happiness. I think it was when I started to feel flutters and kicks that I could finally begin to relax and enjoy all the positive attention pregnancy brings. I hope you start to feel that soon.
By
Anonymous, at 4:34 PM
Hi, Susie. It's Monday, and I just wanted you to know that I am thinking of you today, hoping and praying that you get continued good news at your ultrasound.
By
Anonymous, at 9:44 AM
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