Without a Net

Man, this is hard to get used to. I have the sadness of a loss, but the relief of knowing I'm still pregnant. I'm glad I only checked those twin books out of the library.

I think my husband and I both thought of having two embryos as something of a safety net, but the truth is that neither of them were dispensible to us. We wanted them both, we were just very conscious of the likelihood that it wouldn't work out. But now that it's happened, I understand much better how the second one was calming my fears. The scary thoughts are pushing in much more easily now.

The fibroid is still bugging me, too. After the five miscarriages I've already had, I think I felt like there was a decent chance that at least one of the embryos would have a genetic problem that might result in a loss. If that was the case, I just hoped one of them would be healthy. But if this loss was really caused by the fibroid, as Dr T thinks, what if that was the "healthy" one?

I woke up this morning feeling like I was losing my pregnancy symptoms and that it was just a matter of time before I lose the second embryo. Now I'm feeling a bit more hopeful, but this is a good example of how mood swingy I am today. I'm still doing the things I need to do -- I went to chorus last night and I'm working today -- but this has really knocked me down. Hope it's temporary.