Information Overload
Yesterday I only worked half a day because I was feeling so gross. Somehow, I ended up spending three hours in Borders before I got home, reading books about pregnancy after miscarriage, maternal exercise, and twins. Today, I went to the library and checked out three books about twins and twin pregnancies.
Now I'm a lot more freaked out than I was, but also a little more reassured. If that is possible. Freaked out because letting myself think about actually making it -- having a baby -- feels too much like letting go of the fear that I think of as protecting me, even though I know that's crazy. Also, there are just a lot of horror stories about twins coming too early and staying in the NICU, and the financial and emotional hardships all of that places on the family. Stuff that I feel like it's too early for me to really be focusing on, but at the same time I can't ignore it.
But I'm feeling a little more reassured for several reasons, too. The books go into way more detail than I've seen online regarding the symptoms of pregnancy, which is reassuring because even things I didn't realize were symptoms (like my weirdly stuffy nose) apparently are.
Also, in cases of twin pregnancies where one embryo disappears, apparently the other one generally has a very good chance of survival. Our goal since the beginning has been "to have at least one healthy baby," so I feel like we do have a pretty good shot at that, even if the twin thing doesn't work out.
Even though it's scary to learn so much more (and get so much more invested), it feels good, too. I'm still glad I haven't bought any new books, though. I will wait a while longer on that.
Now I'm a lot more freaked out than I was, but also a little more reassured. If that is possible. Freaked out because letting myself think about actually making it -- having a baby -- feels too much like letting go of the fear that I think of as protecting me, even though I know that's crazy. Also, there are just a lot of horror stories about twins coming too early and staying in the NICU, and the financial and emotional hardships all of that places on the family. Stuff that I feel like it's too early for me to really be focusing on, but at the same time I can't ignore it.
But I'm feeling a little more reassured for several reasons, too. The books go into way more detail than I've seen online regarding the symptoms of pregnancy, which is reassuring because even things I didn't realize were symptoms (like my weirdly stuffy nose) apparently are.
Also, in cases of twin pregnancies where one embryo disappears, apparently the other one generally has a very good chance of survival. Our goal since the beginning has been "to have at least one healthy baby," so I feel like we do have a pretty good shot at that, even if the twin thing doesn't work out.
Even though it's scary to learn so much more (and get so much more invested), it feels good, too. I'm still glad I haven't bought any new books, though. I will wait a while longer on that.
6 Comments:
I'm glad you're finally letting it sink in Susie. I hope you have 2 healthy babes to bring home when all is said and done.
By
PJ, at 11:12 AM
I'm glad you got more info than what G**gle had been giving you. And that you are starting to absorb more. I know it took me a long time to get to that place and I don't have the twin factor.
Hope the symptoms aren't too bad. I had the stuffy nose thing too ;)
By
Amanda, at 9:01 PM
I can completely understand what you said about "thinking of actually having a baby feels too much like letting go of the fear that I think of as protecting me." (I have had the same feelings myself at times).
I'm so glad, though, that nevertheless you are able to start looking forward and anticipating your babies. This is a whole new pregnancy, and things are looking very promising, so it's great that you are treating yourself to things that "normal" pregnant women do, like reading pregnancy books.
By
Anonymous, at 11:36 AM
Susie, I do hope you're starting to allow yourself to entertain the possibility of having at least one healthy child. I completely understand wanting to protect yourself, but I want you to be able to enjoy this time too. It must be hard to reconcile, but things are looking good for you right now, so it's okay to think positively!
By
Mellie, at 2:05 PM
I hear you sister. We use the fear as a defense mechanism, no doubt about it. It's a difficult crutch to let go of.
By
Anonymous, at 3:48 PM
New rule: All pregnant women must update regularly lest the rest of us faint from worry. Really, what if I hit my head while falling? Then you'd feel bad, now wouldn't you.
Hope everything is going really well.
By
Anonymous, at 5:16 PM
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