Why I like the two week wait
Things that brought me to tears in the last 24 hours:
Not bad, considering this is day 10 of the 2ww.
You’d think I would want it over with, right? That I would want to test. But I find I’m dreading the end of it, because (and I realize I’m firmly in the minority here) the 2ww is the only time I really allow myself to embrace hope. Not just a little bit of hope, either, but full-out fantasizing about what could happen, what could be happening right now. Running the numbers from last week in my head (E2, number of follicles, sperm count and motility, etc) and just letting myself dream about what could be.
I have always been a person who likes the open realm of possibility much better than being settled on a single answer, with the rest of the options closed. The 2ww is all about what might happen. Of course bad things can happen, but so can good things! So I don’t really like to end this part. The hoping is a lot more fun than gearing up for the next cycle (in the case of a BFN), or waiting for the miscarriage (in the case of all five of my BFPs to date).*
At least right now, I could be pregnant. But I know (from experience) that if I turn out to actually be pregnant, it’ll be so stressful that I won’t be able to enjoy it, what with the constant blood draws just to show betas that plateau, the obsessive checking for spotting or bleeding, the lack of a heartbeat on an ultrasound (or, even worse, seeing the heartbeat and then NOT seeing it the next time). Even if by some chance things do go well, I know I’ll still be waiting for it to end in disaster. Sure, I once made it to 10w6d, and that seemed pretty far to me. But then, you know, my cousin lost a baby at 6 months gestation (and had to go through labor to deliver him), so I don’t have a lot of faith in the significance of the end of the first trimester.
I guess that’s why I feel like it’s better to let myself fantasize about being pregnant now, today, when it’s kind of safe and I can enjoy it a little bit without the pressure of reality. (Although, as you can see, it’s not exactly unadulterated hope that I’m feeling.)
Of course, that won’t stop me from bringing the 2ww to a close. I’ll test, probably on Monday if we’re home. At the latest, with beta on Tuesday. Then we can either start over, or start on the next part, which is the really scary part, to me.
* Incidentally, does anyone else besides me think of a BFN as a "big fucking negative"? It’s too close to "big fucking deal" (BFD) for me to think otherwise. Of course, I’d never call it that on the boards. That would be like referring to "baby dancing" as "fucking." Hahahahaaa.
- A radio story about a tornado that happened in Kansas -- fifty years ago.
- Bumper sticker reading, "If you’re not completely appalled, you’re not paying attention."
- ABBA’s "Thank You for the Music."
Not bad, considering this is day 10 of the 2ww.
You’d think I would want it over with, right? That I would want to test. But I find I’m dreading the end of it, because (and I realize I’m firmly in the minority here) the 2ww is the only time I really allow myself to embrace hope. Not just a little bit of hope, either, but full-out fantasizing about what could happen, what could be happening right now. Running the numbers from last week in my head (E2, number of follicles, sperm count and motility, etc) and just letting myself dream about what could be.
I have always been a person who likes the open realm of possibility much better than being settled on a single answer, with the rest of the options closed. The 2ww is all about what might happen. Of course bad things can happen, but so can good things! So I don’t really like to end this part. The hoping is a lot more fun than gearing up for the next cycle (in the case of a BFN), or waiting for the miscarriage (in the case of all five of my BFPs to date).*
At least right now, I could be pregnant. But I know (from experience) that if I turn out to actually be pregnant, it’ll be so stressful that I won’t be able to enjoy it, what with the constant blood draws just to show betas that plateau, the obsessive checking for spotting or bleeding, the lack of a heartbeat on an ultrasound (or, even worse, seeing the heartbeat and then NOT seeing it the next time). Even if by some chance things do go well, I know I’ll still be waiting for it to end in disaster. Sure, I once made it to 10w6d, and that seemed pretty far to me. But then, you know, my cousin lost a baby at 6 months gestation (and had to go through labor to deliver him), so I don’t have a lot of faith in the significance of the end of the first trimester.
I guess that’s why I feel like it’s better to let myself fantasize about being pregnant now, today, when it’s kind of safe and I can enjoy it a little bit without the pressure of reality. (Although, as you can see, it’s not exactly unadulterated hope that I’m feeling.)
Of course, that won’t stop me from bringing the 2ww to a close. I’ll test, probably on Monday if we’re home. At the latest, with beta on Tuesday. Then we can either start over, or start on the next part, which is the really scary part, to me.
* Incidentally, does anyone else besides me think of a BFN as a "big fucking negative"? It’s too close to "big fucking deal" (BFD) for me to think otherwise. Of course, I’d never call it that on the boards. That would be like referring to "baby dancing" as "fucking." Hahahahaaa.
6 Comments:
I totally agree with your BFN translation. It's sounds as corny as baby dust if you say big fat negative. So I say we go with your translation.
Enjoy the 2ww since you're one of the few of us who do.
By
PJ, at 3:14 PM
I am not enjoying the two-week wait. WHich I have only just begun. But thanks for reminding me that ignorance is bliss, preferable to big fucking information of any variety.
By
Anne, at 4:14 PM
Hey Susie, as far as I'm concerned, a BFN is a good enough reason to say the word fuck. So that's what I've always meant when I say BFN.
I totally unerstand what you're saying about the two week wait. It's like those few days before I test I can visualize myself in maternity clothes and everything. It's once I get a positive that the nightmare begins.
I'm hoping you get a BFP and that it lasts...
So, you having any fun symptoms yet?
By
Kat, at 4:48 PM
Glad the two week wait is going easier for you. I don't think you are the only one that uses it to hope. I know I did. Cautiously.
I am wishing you only a BFP.
By
Amanda, at 5:02 PM
Wait - I'm so bad at this. Of course it's big fuckin' - all acronyms with F refer to fuckin' something, right? like NFW
So what do the babyfairydustsprinklespackle crowd think it stands for?
Please tell me, or on second thought, don't. When the bumper stickers make you cry you know you've got hormones!
By
moi, at 5:13 PM
Chalk me up as one that always thought of it as big fuckin' neg. I love internal's bd meaning though!
By
Mellie, at 5:23 PM
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