Deja Vu

In many ways, this pregnancy is very different from the previous one. Obviously, it started very differently - at home instead of at the doctor's office. I still can hardly believe that. But it's progressed very differently, as well. By 21 weeks last time, I had already had well over ten ultrasounds - one of them in the emergency room following a bleeding scare. This time, I've had four: two early ultrasounds, the nuchal, and the level 2. Last time, I ordered a doppler and used it; this time, I decided not to. And this time, up to now, there have been no scares - no spotting, no bleeding, no trips to the hospital way too early. It has been positively amazing. I only hope it continues that way.

However, in some significant ways, this pregnancy is just like the last one. Last time, around 20 to 21 weeks, I started experiencing crushing anxiety that drove me to find a therapist. This time, it started right on schedule. I hit 21 weeks yesterday, and I'm finding it a challenge to deal with small but out of the ordinary things, like wildlife getting in the house (a reality when you live in the country) and the repeated destruction of a campaign sign in my yard. I'm also feeling a kind of bone-deep anxiety about my 2.5 year old son's well-being that I haven't felt since shortly after he was born. I think it is time, once again, to find someone to talk to.

* * *

We found out at our Level 2 ultrasound that we are having another boy. We are so glad, and it's funny, because last time I felt sad that it wasn't a girl. This time, I was actually relieved. I love my little boy so much. I am so glad he'll have a brother.